Sexless in Suburbia

Sexless in Suburbia

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Rick and Jenna Anderson had a great sex life – and then, they had three kids. Rick can’t remember the last time he got some action. And Jenna has the libido of an octogenarian, and the granny panties to match.

Enter sex therapist Dr. Doyle, an eccentric elderly lady who claims to have the formula for ‘mind blowing’ sex. Rick and Jenna try all the tricks up her sleeve. But with a few challenges and temptations along the way, will they manage to save their sex life, and their marriage?

Sexless in Suburbia is a humorous diary-style ‘he said, she said’ novel. It is unpublished at this time.

Excerpt:

Sunday, November 23rd

I went to my cousin Caroline’s baby shower today. She’s expecting a little girl; her first baby. I wasn’t really in the mood to make chit-chat with little old ladies over deviled eggs but anything which gets me out of the house is good; the kids are driving my crazy. Don’t get me wrong, I love them to death but if I don’t get out of the dungeon once in a while, I may just die.

We ate and we made play-do babies. Mine didn’t win and it absolutely should have; it was the best, in my humble opinion, The mother-to-be’s sister won; my cousin Amy. It’s quite suspicious really; I think the contest was fixed. I know the prize was just a cheap candle holder from Dollarama but it’s the principle – the principle!

The food was fantastic, and fattening! I know I’m supposed to be on a diet but it was a special occasion. My aunt and cousin Amy worked so hard on all the food; it would be rude not to indulge. I feasted on the lasagna, potato salad and macaroni ‘n cheese and threw in a few veggies for good measure. As I write this, I realize that I may have overdosed on carbs which might explain why I’m really, really sleepy right now. Goodness, the cake was to die for. My cousin Amy is very skilled; she made a beautiful pink and white fondant cake decorated with little booties, which was not only cute but very delicious. Amy did a lot of work for this shower. Ok, maybe she did deserve the cheap candle holder from Dollarama.

The baby shower: what an interesting ritual; we celebrate a new life soon to be coming, a new member of our family or circle. But in reality, we’re also mourning an old life; a life of youth and freedom. Because once the kid comes, we as women become just a shell of our former glorious selves, taking on the role of mother; a glorious role but a restricting, exhausting and all-consuming one.

The mother-to-be looked so happy, all big bellied and rosy cheeked. She received a lot of cute adorable pink outfits. Every time she opened one, everyone would oooh and aaah. Oooh and aaah and oooh and aaah; it actually got quite irritating. Unfortunately, motherhood isn’t all bonnets and fluffy blankets. She doesn’t know what’s coming; pregnancy is like a nice vacation you go one before you start a 24/7 job for the next two decades, with no pay.

Sure, she’ll have moments of pure joy; joy she didn’t know could exist. When her baby gives her his or her first smile, she’ll have tears of joy. She won’t know whether to reach for the camera or simply enjoy the moment of pure bliss. And then, there’ll be those moments when daddy is working and baby is having a meltdown and she’ll have a splitting headache and she’ll literally just want to kill herself, if only for a fraction of a second. That’s when she’ll need my gift: a Baby Einstein DVD collection and a jumbo bottle of Ibuprofen from Costco. Now, that’s a useful gift if I’ve ever seen one. I told her she could use the Ibuprofen after she has the baby, every four hours and it not would affect the baby’s breastfeeding – and of course, also for the next eighteen years. The bottle won’t last that long, I told her. I explained, she’ll obviously need to go buy more. She didn’t think it was funny. She didn’t really get it. Just you wait, Caroline.

Sun. Nov 23 – 7:32 PM

 Jenna’s been stepping out a lot. It seems I’m always stuck with the kids. Ok, maybe ‘stuck’ is a harsh word. Let’s say I’ve had the privileged of their company quite often lately. Jenna went to her cousin’s shower today – I suppose she had a good excuse.

Today we were doing some coloring and creating mosaic art; sticking endless tiny glittery squares of foam. Of course, Mackenzie and Adam’s efforts accounted for pretty much 10% of the work. I did the rest. I think Adam ingested a few squares – it’s just foam – I’m sure he’ll be all right.

For lunch, I fed them some Kraft dinner – their favorite.

“Mommy always puts melted cheese on it and gives us crackers and fruit.” Mackenzie was obviously not impressed. What the heck is this place –a five star restaurant?

Monday, Nov 24th

I threw out three kiwis today. I should have really eaten the kiwis instead of that box of strawberry shortcake cookies. Oh well, Rome wasn’t built in a day. I must work harder on the diet. Maybe, I’ll post stickies on the fridge and cupboards with little reminders.

‘Leave the junk alone – you fat pig.’ Well, something like that, but maybe a little nicer.

‘Think Thin’. That’s catchy. Better.

I haven’t experimented with Mr. Pink quite yet. That’s what Rick and I call my vibrator. I just haven’t had the time. Between the house and the kids and everything, I’m pretty swamped. And I can’t very well put it on the ‘to do’ list I keep on the fridge. I mean, it would look a little odd:

– groceries

– tidy mud room

– organize spring clothes

– birthday present – Mackenzie

– pick up dry cleaning

– cookies for bake sale

– use vibrator

Copyright © 2010 Carmen Roy. All rights reserved.

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